I am meandering in the dark; are you?

Giving way to frustration over and over again, my efforts seem to be in vain. I flail. How hard is it to stay stationary for weeks, months, years? How hard is it to feel misery, sadness, angst, fear, frustration, over and over again, with no end in sight? No hope that any action will resolve it, falling down deeper and deeper as if in quicksand, as if each movement of the leg or the arm to clutch and crawl out only accelerates the slow crushing fall deeper into the abyss?

Do you feel this way? That you grope in the dark, that you clamber around in The Pit, ala Edgar Allen Poe? Waiting to be chopped to pieces, in terror, in fear, and there is really nothing at all you can do but wait?

I am still like this. I have spent so many years in this state. Still when I reach for an action I feel pain. I write an email, I make a stand; I feel pain. I feel rejection, but not from the outside. I feel it from the inside! I feel rejected by my soul. No, no, you had this idea; no, no, you thought it might work, and then you reached for action, and instantly: smacked down by the suffering of:

“This isn’t me.”
“I look like a crazy person.”
“I seem desperate.”
“Not again, not again.”

Not again! Not again! Flailing in the dark.

May we find our way. Inshallah.

UPDATE: And after all that, I was well received, and am relieved. A mountain from a molehill. So, so funny, the drama we inflict on ourselves; the tiny mouses we turn into enormous monsters.